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Sarah. Nineteen. In College. Clarion Univ. PA. Boyfriend. In Love. Hottness. Clever. Witty. Trouble. Good Time.
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These are my words. My life chillaxin' in webspace. Feel free to read, feel free to not. That's about it when it comes to a disclaimer. Over it! Haha.
It's spiralling.
...written on 2006-09-14, at 12:49 p.m.
My life is so fucked up right now.
There isnt a peaceful moment anymore.
The only solace I have is listening to music and even then my mind is able to wander.
I can't focus on anything.
If I could just let it go. If Richard weren't making me talk about it so frequently. If we were able to talk and not talk about what happened I know it would make me feel so much better.
I'm stressed so much lately. I'm always on the verge of breaking down. Always.
I know I had a part in it too, and I know I shouldn't have let things go as far as they did. I'm trying to cope, I'm trying to deal with it but it's really hard to do when I have Richard telling me to accept responsiblity for it, telling me he's trying to make me feel better, but he's only making me feel worse.
I seriously contemplated just killing myself.
I know that last night, if I'd had a razor or a knife around me I would have cut myself. I know I would have. I was hysterical. And there was no comfort for me. It was just pain. That's what the days have been lately. Blurs of pain and sparse moments of laughter from the girl who is known for her happiness and her cheerful giggle over the simplest things.
I'm okay when I have time to cope. Talking about it helps. But only talking about it on my own time. I don't want to talk about it all the time. I hate that it's being made the center of my life.
It's so hard. I want to erase what happened. I regret everything that happened that night so much. I HATE it so much. I hate myself for it. I try not to but I do. I can't forgive myself if Richard won't let me.
I want him to let me.
He's pushing me away.
I'm starting to lose feelings for him again. I just want to run away from him. I want things to be okay but I dont think they will be so I have to push him farther.