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Sarah. Nineteen. In College. Clarion Univ. PA. Boyfriend. In Love. Hottness. Clever. Witty. Trouble. Good Time.
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These are my words. My life chillaxin' in webspace. Feel free to read, feel free to not. That's about it when it comes to a disclaimer. Over it! Haha.
Summer Vacation = College? What college?
...written on 2006-05-19, at 7:07 p.m.
Always a new beginning, always a first diary entry.
Currently I'm avoiding life outside of my home. I just got back home for summer vacation from school one week ago. I was grateful to be home even though I love college. I'm avoiding life outside of my home because it's too stressful right now. I try not to think about my last semeter of college where my proffesors screwed me over and I'll probably lose my job as an RA because of it.
Grades won't be sent out until next week so right now I'm trying to avoid thinking about it. It's hard to do though when people are asking me about my last sememster, what my grades were like, when I'm going back to school (which depends on my grades), and then I have dreams about the proffesors that screwed me over.
Just last night I had a dream about Dr. Washington, aka Prejudice Cunt, in which she was hollering at me about asking her what my grade would be for the class. The night before I had a dream about Dr. Obetekudo, aka Dr. "I like making up grades", and how he'd given me a C in the overall class, telling me I should have done better.
It's terrible and it seriously gives me a freakin' panic attack when I think about it.
Then there's my poor boyfriend who I fight with more than Jesus fought with the damn Romans... only Richard and I fight about stupid stuff.
I say "my poor boyfriend" because I pick fights. I don't mean to but I pick the fights. If something's bothering me about what he does I don't let it go until the end of the world. I give up on our relationship every other day and he keeps coming back, begging me back. Occassionally he will snap and freak out on me but what can you expect? We're human.
He does have his bad side though. I've been abused my whole life by my mother, her various boyfriends, my peers and even my friends. This is both emotionally and physically. But I'm also abused emotionally by Richard. I let him do it though. I let him get away with it in the very beginning because I didn't know any better, but now that we've been together for over 2 years and 7 months and I've grown up a lot I'm ready for it to stop because I've realized what it is and that it's a huge problem.
He's cooperating though, working with me to make things better for both of us. He has a temper but rarely uses it on me. He tries to protect me when I need protecting and overall he's good for me.
We're long distance, he lives four and a half hours away from my home and five hours away from where I go to college. We've been long distance our whole relationship and we basically met online/through one of my friends that had moved away.
He does all of the travelling because A.) I don't have a license, B.) He has a job, C.) He's five years older than me and D.) His parents won't let me stay down there but my Mom lets him stay here.
Neither of us have a car so he rents cars to come and see me for the weekend and when he comes up for a week, which he will be doing May 26th through June 4th, he takes the bus on the first day he's here and the last day he's here. He's pretty financially secure, even though he doesn't have a car, and I know that we have a good future together.
He's a good man and I love him. Recently I had an epiphany and I think he was proud of me, but maybe not. He often is though. After one of our fights he started to look at our relationship the way I had been looking at it which was a series of tries and failures. It made me sad to think about it, hearing it from him made it seem so much more real... so I thought about it. The next day my mom was talking to me about her boyfriend issues. She said to me "You know, all relationships take work. I remember when I was with Joe and I was really happy... but then I got the damn seven year itch and I just started picking at things. I wish I hadn't babe. I wish I'd known then that there was never going to be someone who was just 'perfect', with no work and no problems, just happiness... But there will be someone who's really close and I wish I'd've kept that man."
After that I decided it would be best if I re-evaluated the situation with the Love and I. I told him that I forgave him for everything and that I really wanted to try this and make it work. I told him that We'll have problems but it would be worth it because we love eachother and he sounded really happy about it.
For now I'm going to go. Later I'm going to find a new layout for the background and make it perfect.
Sarah