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Sarah. Nineteen. In College. Clarion Univ. PA. Boyfriend. In Love. Hottness. Clever. Witty. Trouble. Good Time.
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These are my words. My life chillaxin' in webspace. Feel free to read, feel free to not. That's about it when it comes to a disclaimer. Over it! Haha.
Acting was always one of my greater skills.
...written on 2006-11-09, at 7:57 p.m.
HOW AM I DOING THIS TO MYSELF?!?
I let it affect me. I let him get back in. It was okay... it was good... it felt pleasant but it's not right. It's not right for now.
Dear God, why do I run?
I can't have this now. I can't talk to him. I'm avoiding him. I'm pushing him away. I can't have being this far away. I can't deal with not being able to really be with him.
I'll be so sorry for this someday..
I can feel it.
But hell, I can't have it now. I can't do it now.
I'm throwing myself into my school work and pushing him away. Pushing him out.
I need to focus on other things. I can do this. I can be strong.
Oh God... why am I a terrible person?
Does it have something to do with my father? Am I trying to make Richard leave like everyone else has? What the hell is wrong with me.
I don't want to answer those questions. I just want them to go away. I just want to pretend that everything is fine. I don't want him to call. I don't want to hurt him. I don't want to hurt myself.
I just want to pretend I'm okay. I just want to put a smile on my face. I can pretend. I really can.
I'm a horrible person.
Richard, you're right. About everything. I'm selfish. I know it's right to be with you. I just can't be. I know we had something amazing. I know I'm throwing it away... and I know I can't have things either way and be happy.
I'm a fucking idiot. I'm starting to pretend right now.