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Sarah. Nineteen. In College. Clarion Univ. PA. Boyfriend. In Love. Hottness. Clever. Witty. Trouble. Good Time.
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These are my words. My life chillaxin' in webspace. Feel free to read, feel free to not. That's about it when it comes to a disclaimer. Over it! Haha.
If it doesnt break you... It might make you stronger.
...written on 2006-08-27, at 1:56 p.m.
Busy, busy, busy. That's my life as an RA. It's satisfying to me though. I like being busy with things that matter. It lets me know that Im important and that I can multitask. Really, it makes me feel alive. It's exausting though and leaves little time for me to talk to people like Richard or my friends from home. After today though, when everything stsarts to settle down I should have more time to breath. Hopefully.
So, over the last few weeks, while I haven't been writing I've been making mistakes. Yes, I know they're mistakes but when I do them I don't know the consequences, how I'll feel afterward, or anything like that. So I took some chances or I was peer pressured and I did things that for a few days, before I figured out how be able to deal with my mistakes, I regretted doing them.
I understand those things were mistakes now and I will not make them again.
Things have been very dramatic since I moved into the Halls and started the RA job. My co-workers are messing around with eachother and not being able to be professional afterward and then I have to hear it from both sides, then I make a huge mistakes that I never thought I would and go into a depression for a couple days, then I confess my sins to Richard who is pressuring me in so many different ways to just make a choice about being with him or not and I can't. I honestly just can't, so that makes things more dramatic.
It's ridiculously hard to talk to him when I feel like he's expecting me to know exactly what I want when I've told him that I don't know. I just need time. Time away from him, time away from relationships before I begin to understand what I really want and need.
Right now I just need to be alone. I love him, but it seems like Im falling out fo love for him. Like, every time we talk, and I feel pressured I fall a little bit more out of love, but, on the other side, when we're talking casually as we're just joking around and hanging out I start to fall for him a bit more again.
I know that even after I write that I'll regret it. I know you're reading Richard. I really do. You can't deny it. There's nothing you'll find in here that you're missing when you call me and ask me questions. Nothing.
I just need time. I want alone time. I want to be with you. I can picture myself loving you for the rest of my life, but not right now. Right now I need to love myself first and formost. Im sorry it's hurting you so much, it's not my intention. It never was. But maybe someday you'll understand. And until then all I can offer you is the truth.
Sarah, the busiest RA ever.