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Sarah. Nineteen. In College. Clarion Univ. PA. Boyfriend. In Love. Hottness. Clever. Witty. Trouble. Good Time.
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These are my words. My life chillaxin' in webspace. Feel free to read, feel free to not. That's about it when it comes to a disclaimer. Over it! Haha.
Remember that time when you cried into your pillow so no one would hear you? Yeah, it's like that.
...written on 2006-06-25, at 1:55 p.m.
So I'm feeling a little sick to my stomach right now. Partially from nerves. Richard called me last night, twice, each time short. The first time he asked me a question about my diary and told me he's call me back soon. Neither of us even said "I love you". That happened at about 7 o'clock and at the time I was at my Aunt's house getting particularly toasted. So when he called I was already intoxicated enough to not care.
It wasn't until 2:30 am that he called me back. At this point I was in my bed, finally coming off of my drunk, having drank at a steady pace from 5 to midnight. Honestly, I'm not sure how it came up or hwo it all went. I know I told him that I the reason I hadn't called him was because I wanted him to see that if I didn't call him we wouldn't talk. Which also shows how little effort he puts into the health of our relationship and how easy it is for him to neglect me. It also backs up my thoughts that if I were gone, we were over, he wouldn't miss me that much. He'd be completely fine. After I said that he told me he loved me and didn't think that was right and then went on about how I shouldn't be talking to him the way I was. I told him that was too bad because I was talking to him like he needed to be talked to and if he wanted me to talk to him any better than he was going to have to grow up and accept responsibility and be a man.
Well, that seemed to have pissed him off because he hung up on me after that.
He hasn't called since.
And I'm still not calling him.
I guarentee he doesn't think he's done anything wrong at all. And of course this is starting at playing Halo and various other games instead of doing his school work, the whole way through falling asleep in the MIDDLE of our conversation about potentially breaking up to not calling me.
I'm still pretty hurt by the whole falling asleep thing and then being lectured about it afterward. I don't understand. We were in the MIDDLE of a conversation. An important one. I can understand him not being able to listen to me if I called him and woke him up, but that wasn't how it was. He just let himself lull off to dream land.
I guess now, with me not calling him, he has all the time in the world to put himself before us.
It makes me so fucking sad.
But like I've said before. I just have to be strong through this. I just have to let him do what he's going to do. All the cards are in his hands. I know he's mad at me right now because he doesn't want to face me being angry at him, because as I said, he thinks he's done nothing wrong, so I'm not really expecting him to call me any time soon.
It's just hard... you know?
I don't even have someone to lean on right now.
I'm alone.
Sarah