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Sarah. Nineteen. In College. Clarion Univ. PA. Boyfriend. In Love. Hottness. Clever. Witty. Trouble. Good Time.
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These are my words. My life chillaxin' in webspace. Feel free to read, feel free to not. That's about it when it comes to a disclaimer. Over it! Haha.
Bye just means for now... Good-bye is forever.
...written on 2006-06-25, at 6:27 p.m.
Richard called me. About twenty minutes ago actually.
I had his full attention for the first ten minutes but the promptly lost it to myspace or something about his friends.
I don't know how to go about telling him how I feel about us. How do I tell him that for the last few days I've felt like we were over? How do I tell him that I really don't want to be with him until he fixes his life up? Until he's mature and responsible and knows how to treat me and actually do the things he's supposed to instead of getting caught up in various things floating around him.
I don't know how. I opened my mouth to tell him these things when were on the phone but it just doesn't come ut right.
The worst part is that I don't even want to be with other people. I mean, I do, if he isn't right for me, but I'm terrified. I'm not going to break up with him or even go on a break with the automatic intention to be with another guy.
He might think that, especially with Trevor and I talking.
I won't say that I'd never date Trevor though. He's a nice guy and the more we talk, the more I enjoy his company. But he's not the reason that I would end things with Richard.
It all bothers me so much and I'm sick of dealing with it. I don't even need to find myself. Maybe it's more that I need to find what I want. What I want from a man and a relationship.
This is all so confusing and hard. I can't be care free in this.... Parts of me doesn't even want to make up with Richard. Part of me just wants to say "fuck it" and avoid him and the entire situation. But I know can't do that... or at least I shouldn't.
He reads this diary now. I'm over it. If he wants to not know the depths of my mind then he can stop reading it. If he's unsatisfied with the things he finds out then he'll have to deal.
I don't like this. I don't like this whole damn situation.
If Trevor had been here last night, I would have kissed him. I would have kissed him a lot. I know I would have. He called me twice last night, the first time I had only started drinking and he promised me that after the Art show he would call me back.
Well... He did. By the time he called back I had forgotten that he'd promised he would because I was so drunk. I was nearly slurring my words. But he listened to me. He listened to me go on about how I was feeling so confused and how I didn't know what I wanted. Then he listened to me babble on about how I was babbling. I did tell him, somewhere in there, things I shouldnt have. Like, that I would have kissed him if he were there and also that, "just because I was drunk I might try more and if I did I'd feel cheap so I shouldnt because I dont want to feel cheap because I'm not".
And then he told me he wouldnt let me do any of that stuff because he knew my state and that I could never be cheap.
... God. It's so much drama right now.
I just wish that he would grow up so I could happily be with him. And I don't want to be with him while he "grows up" because I've been waiting too long for that to happen and it hasn't. I'm young, I don't want to have to wait and not have the chances to go out and do the things I want to do because I'm too busy waiting for him. And I definitely don't want to be completely commited to a guy who only fulfills half my needs.
I fucking love him. I don't know how I fell into it but I did. And now I never want to give him up because he's such a huge part of me... but I might have to, just for a while.
Sarah